Questions

I had such a fucked up time in Chicago. As usual, my Christmas was fucked up somehow. I got the 24 hour stomach flu..I didn't even get to stay upstairs for all of the presents to be open. And because of what I do when I throw up, I couldn't even be sitting comfortably when it was happening on the floor next to the toilet. I was throwing up stomach acid from 8 am to around 5 pm when the waves of nausea stopped crashing. It sucked, I hate throwing up. I don't know anyone who enjoys it, even bulimics (They don't LIKE throwing up!). I would scream in between different barfs? because it hurt THAT BAD. I didn't get to breathe, to stop for even a second. I made my mom watch because I hate being alone when it happens. So while everyone got to visit at my uncles who, might I add, that night half of his heart shut down, I was sitting on home on the couch starving, sweating, and trying not to shit my pants. It was like being 2 again.

I thought, while I was laying on the couch.
I hate having so much time to think...Mostly about college.
Should I go to NOVA, in 2 years become a nurse and be making good money, REALLY good money, by the time I'm 21?
or go to Shenandoah University and become a 1st grade teacher and make half of what a nurse makes? I honestly would be happy doing both, maybe a little bit happier doing the second...but I wouldn't mind being a nurse at all.
How do I pay for a house after college? Even an apartment? How do I pay for ANYTHING?
I don't know what I'm going to do with myself, and I'm starting to panic.

The more people said "I still can't believe you're a senior" the more I felt I was lying when I said "I can!".
I really can't.

Dream: I was at the beach, but I was scared of standing in the water with my aunt and sister and dad because I didn't want to get pinched by the crabs. We were trying to find the prettiest shells and at first we couldn't find the pretty ones, they were all ugly. Finally I saw two gorgeous ones, a pink striped one and a blue striped one but I was too scared to get it and someone else ended up getting it. I saw other gorgeous one when the waves were gone but I kept falling and I couldn't get to them.

How I interpret that: I need to throw myself into things, even if I think I'll get hurt, because something beautiful might come out of it. I need to let go.