Word of the Day

Main Entry: implode

Pronunciation:\im-ˈplōd\

Function:verb

Inflected Form(s):im·plod·ed; im·plod·ing

Etymology:²in- + -plode (as in explode)

Date:1881
intransitive verb

1 a: to burst inward implode> b: to undergo violent compression implode>
2: to collapse inward as if from external pressure ; also : to become greatly reduced as if from collapsing
3: to break down or fall apart from within : self-destruct
Used in a sentence: My stomach is filled with so much hate, with so much anger, with so much happiness, with so much EMOTION...I feel I'm going to implode.

Where I fail to find words to describe my emotions, Merriam-Webster excels.

I want to be back here, when things felt exactly the way they should... I could take a nice, deep breath and have everything I've ever worried about roll right off my back and into the salty, blue abyss. :)

Questions

I had such a fucked up time in Chicago. As usual, my Christmas was fucked up somehow. I got the 24 hour stomach flu..I didn't even get to stay upstairs for all of the presents to be open. And because of what I do when I throw up, I couldn't even be sitting comfortably when it was happening on the floor next to the toilet. I was throwing up stomach acid from 8 am to around 5 pm when the waves of nausea stopped crashing. It sucked, I hate throwing up. I don't know anyone who enjoys it, even bulimics (They don't LIKE throwing up!). I would scream in between different barfs? because it hurt THAT BAD. I didn't get to breathe, to stop for even a second. I made my mom watch because I hate being alone when it happens. So while everyone got to visit at my uncles who, might I add, that night half of his heart shut down, I was sitting on home on the couch starving, sweating, and trying not to shit my pants. It was like being 2 again.

I thought, while I was laying on the couch.
I hate having so much time to think...Mostly about college.
Should I go to NOVA, in 2 years become a nurse and be making good money, REALLY good money, by the time I'm 21?
or go to Shenandoah University and become a 1st grade teacher and make half of what a nurse makes? I honestly would be happy doing both, maybe a little bit happier doing the second...but I wouldn't mind being a nurse at all.
How do I pay for a house after college? Even an apartment? How do I pay for ANYTHING?
I don't know what I'm going to do with myself, and I'm starting to panic.

The more people said "I still can't believe you're a senior" the more I felt I was lying when I said "I can!".
I really can't.

Dream: I was at the beach, but I was scared of standing in the water with my aunt and sister and dad because I didn't want to get pinched by the crabs. We were trying to find the prettiest shells and at first we couldn't find the pretty ones, they were all ugly. Finally I saw two gorgeous ones, a pink striped one and a blue striped one but I was too scared to get it and someone else ended up getting it. I saw other gorgeous one when the waves were gone but I kept falling and I couldn't get to them.

How I interpret that: I need to throw myself into things, even if I think I'll get hurt, because something beautiful might come out of it. I need to let go.

If only

If I had the opportunity to strangle her, I would jump up at first chance.

Yet at the same time, if she opened her arms out to me, I would give her one of the most gentle hugs she would have ever received.

to be continued..

Mad World

R.I.P. Grandma. 12/16/08
You will be missed. I love you, "White Lady"
I'll never forget your deer figurines, the smell of your kitchen, the comfort of your big, stuffed couches, your huge fish tank, your contagious laugh and your big, bright smile.
I'll see you soon.
<3

All I can say is the older I get, the less and less Christmas feels like Christmas.
Not only one grandmother, two grandmothers have passed away.
I won't be able to get the memory of me pretending to be 'just like grandma'. She died of liver failure because of her alcoholism, so naturally she always had a drink. I wanted to be just like her so she would give me sprite without ice to look like her vodka, and a candy cigarette to look like her real one. Her chili was the best, super spicy. I would always need like eight glasses of sprite to cool my mouth down, and she would laugh. I remember her living room, sitting on the floor playing with tissue. I also remember saying goodbye, which hurts the most. I can still picture the hospital room. I could draw it for you. I remember holding her hand, looking at my parents wondering why everyone was crying (I don't know HOW I remember what I was thinking). I remember holding her hand, which I remember as being really yellow. My dad told me to give my grandma a big hug and a kiss and say goodbye, so I did. I regret that I didn't cry, even though it would have been impossible for me to understand. Innocence hurts years later. We left and I was cheerful. I remember walking a big and then the memory stops. Fast forward a couple days and I remember the funeral. I remember some of the songs playing (Why by Annie Lennox, Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton) and I remember what she was wearing. I held her hand and gave her a kiss goodbye. I can't remember, but I don't think I cried. Again, I didn't understand. I don't know why this memory stuck because obviously I didn't understand what was happening, so why would I tell myself to remember it?

Which brings me to my next topic.
Graduation.
It's that time..well..almost.
I'm so ready, but at the same time I hope that my grandmother is watching me, making sure I'm okay. Sometimes I believe that she's with me. Sometimes I'm sure of it. She helps me remember where I put my hair clip (the ONE I own, it was a miracle finding it).

I know that my problems are nothing compared to a lot of people, but I'm hoping that this whole ovary problem isn't a real big problem. My doctor said one thing is for sure, and it's that if I have children, I am at a 'very high risk' for cancer. How nice is that, knowing that the one thing you looked forward to in life could very well kill you? It gives me nothing to look forward to, nothing to be proud of. Who wants to be with someone who can't 'have' children without the thought of losing that person? I don't even know whats wrong with me yet...but I'm hoping they find something that they can fix. I don't know how much longer I can hibernate.
I've wanted to die so many, many times before.
I don't know how much longer I can take anymore.
I honestly think I'm too weak to go through with it
It makes me wonder who'd give a shit.
People at work, school, family? Would they cry?
Is it even worth it, cause I'd like to try.
Again. and again.
The first cut may be the deepest,
but the proceeding cuts count for just as much.

Here's a secret; I wanted to die right after graduation. You sometimes have to be careful for what you wish for because it might happen (I would know..almost two years of praying literally every day for him and I got him; verbally and physically abusive, lying, cheating, and downright terrible).

i don't understand how people can
change this much. one day they're all you have,
and the next their a stranger to you.

DMB

I've been contemplating all day just how much I loved the Dave Matthews Band concert I attended in June, summer of 2008. As we sat in English (even my teacher acknowledges how much I itch to listen to them any possible chance) I thought of the concert. Though they didn't play Crash, I have absolutely no room to complain about how much of a beautiful concert it was. I'm not old enough to completely appreciate their music, but I'm old enough to love it. I may not know every single detail of the band, or every single song, etc. but what I do know, I absolutely love with every fiber of my being. At the concert, I feel like I was having an out of body experience. I was just floating above my body, dancing and screaming and singing at the top of my lungs only 50 feet from them. I knew that they sounded better live than on tracks, but I actually experienced how much better it was and that makes a huge difference. At the concert, I could feel the chords, beats, words flowing through me and cleansing my soul. That concert was exactly what I needed, for I was floating on cloud 9 for a good while. Not only was my first concert one of the greatest, I am so lucky to have seen LeRoi Moore play for the last time, for he was in an accident in Charlottesville that weekend and died from complications relating to the accident. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that day of the concert.
Music is just my cure for everything.


RIP LeRoi Moore
1961-August 19, 2008

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.

Tears of Joy?

Everyday of my life is spent in fear.
I'm so afraid that one day I will come home and my dog won't be there. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't ever suspect that someone would break into my home to take my dog...but I couldn't imagine going on without her. The best place for crying is right on the floor in my kitchen. My beautiful dog trots up in front of me and sits down promptly. She looks at me as if she understands, or that she feels sorry for me with those big brown eyes. She always leans in to give me a kiss. She'll then try to sit on my lap, where she will rest her head on my shoulder...hugging me, as far as hugs with dogs go. I love crying into her neck, feeling her soft hot puppy breath on my neck. It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it. Sometimes I wonder if she's the only person who gets me...and she's not even a person. That wriggling furry body of a person is the only person I can truly talk to. She's the perfect best friend; She'll never tell. It's no wonder dog's age faster than people...too many painful secrets can really wear you down.

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.