what?!

To Richard's note "100% Waterproof"

Richard, I hate this note. You can't label someone else's opinions on friendship. I don't even want to get started with you because no one can ever win against you, but I'll tell you what I think. To me a 'true friend' is someone who you trust completely and wholly, and everyone else is a 'friend'. A lot of people who you think you trust go behind you, betray you, whatever. I would call someone a true friend when they did something that proved to me that they wouldn't do that to me. A true friend could also be described as someone who you don't see for months on end, but as soon as you see them again it's like nothing has changed at all. Everyone is wary of meeting new people, and as soon as they start clicking with someone then they become friends, and then they start getting even closer. If you can spill your guts, dreams, lies, etc. and they don't treat you differently, and genuinely care about you, then yeah. That person is a "true" friend. It's nice having a friend or friends that you can tell EVERYTHING to. Your definition of friend is someone I would describe as an acquaintance, which cancels the whole fucking note. You seem like a terrible person, I'm glad I never got close to you because I guess I would have realized that my own personality didn't matter, you just liked me because we liked the same things.

Ugh I fucking hate him. I hate that I curse because I feel like I'm above that.

I don't know how long I'm going to survive at NOVA, I can NOT live at home for much longer.

Quote...

....that I am trying to live by:

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it."




Describes my life:

"Life doesnt give you the people you want, it gives you the people you need, to help you,to hurt you, to love you and make you the person you were meant to be"

It makes me cry. For real. Thinking about the people who have hurt me, thinking about who I've hurt. I love everyone and that kills me.

Angry

I'm getting angry each day that passes. I haven't had my phone in so long. I haven't talked to anyone in so long besides family. As soon as this family leaves, I'll just have my grandparents, who as soon as they retire (which is SOON) will move to California. I just want to live with my grandparents, or with my other family. My family just. I don't even know. I need to get away from here so badly. I want to throw up because I NEED change so bad. I've been thinking way too much about the past and it's getting me stuck where I am. I'm afraid of what I'm willing to do to change. I'm so anxious to do something somewhere that if I do it I'll end up hurting myself. I'm falling in love with anyone who gives me the time of day...especially if they're giving me the time of day to love me.
My aunt has 2-4 months to live...the chemo on her lungs and breast cancer isn't working and the next level of chemo could kill her because its so toxic so she said she didn't want to risk it. I haven't seen her in so long and it hurts.
My uncle in Chicago..I have no idea what's going on with him but I know he's not doing okay. My dad said the next time we might see him would be at his funeral. I don't know how well I'm going to be able to handle funeral. I'm afraid I WON'T cry.
I'm angry with myself. That whole like 5-7 month period of not seeing my grandparents when my mom and dad fought is killing me now. Seeing how much my grandma is hurting is hurting me. Seeing her sisters start to die is killing me, because they're not that much older. She might have to have a knee replacement surgery soon, and its hitting me that she's not going to be there for me FOREVER. She's been in my life since I was born. I saw her literally almost every day. I just..I can't even talk about her not being in my life. I would rather die before her. She deserves to live forever, she is the nicest person I know and will ever know. She goes out of her way for everyone, no matter what.

I can't talk about this.

Glorious Plans

My glorious plans.
Traveling.
I've decided to screw University, and I'm going to save money and not be in debt.
I'm going to travel.
I have this all planned out, don't worry. It's almost perfect.

Enroll in the NOVA Nursing Program and get my AA in nursing. (2 years)
Work in critical care at INova while going to George Mason to get my bachelors in Nursing. (2 years)
Then, go to Old Dominion University to their nurse anesthesia education program (2 years)
Total: 6 years. How much money I will be making as a nurse anesthetist: $141,886 a year.

All the while working wherever I want, traveling whenever I want/can...
It's perfect.

I laugh at the most inappropriate times.
I started laughing during Marley and Me when he first started dying.
(I could explain WHY because it had nothing to do with the movie, but if you were sitting behind me in the theater and the dog's dying and I'm cracking up for reasons you don't know, you would hate me.)

Oh how I love life sometimes. :)

Stirring Me Up

One word describes how I feel right now. "NO".
I just want to say no to everything.
"Come say hi to your grandparents" No.
"Want to go get something to eat?" No.
"Will you clean your bathroom again?" No.
"Want to go to the mall?" No.
"Will you work for me today?" No.
No no no no no.

Hahaha, Yes Man meet No Woman. :)


I need to get my nose ring changed but I think I'll do that tomorrow. All I've done today is lay in bed and think about what to paint. And now I'm going to paint. I paint at my best when I'm angry.

Have I found you

Ahhhhh I love State Radio and Phish! and lists...

25 Things to Do Before I Die:

1. Celebrate New Years somewhere OTHER than America. I love how confused I get about how at one place, it's next year...but at that same second, its still last year. I feel like each year is like one of those nesting dolls, a new, bigger doll taking in the previous one. If it's ugly, theres always a new doll to cover up the ugly one. And you may get a GORGEOUS doll, but then the next one could be ugly...ahhh those things are fun. Maybe I said that backwards....anyways, I want there to be different ethnicities of dolls covering up the ugly American doll.

2. Find a religion and church that I love, and attend it regularly. I think I need to start going to church again, praying every night again, and eventually one day down the line become baptized.



This is definitely to be continued...