Ephemeral Dreams

My Life According to Dave Matthews Band

2009-08-14T14:04:00.002-04:00

this is actually pretty funny. :) I like it!

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 15 people you like and include me. You can't use the artist I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (artist name)"

Pick your Artist:
DMB

Are you a Male or a Female:
Dreamgirl

Describe Yourself:
So Damn Lucky

How do you feel:
The Dreaming Tree

Describe where you currently live:
Lie in Our Graves

If you could go anywhere, where would you go to:
Spaceman

Your Favorite form of Transportation:
Smooth Rider

Your Best Friend is:
Why I Am

You and your best friends are:
You and Me

What's the weather like:
Everyday

Favorite Time of Day:
Bartender

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Hello Again

What is life to you:
Funny the way it is

Describe your current boy/girl situation:
Crash Into Me

Your fear:
Alligator Pie

What is the best advice you have to give:
Everybody Wake Up (Our Finest Hour Arrives)

Thought for the day:
I Did It

How would you like to die?
Time Bomb

My soul's present condition:
Squirm! hahaha

My motto:
Dive In

Hmm...

2009-08-10T00:33:00.002-04:00

Well, I haven't written on this in forever. And as I look back on all of my previous entries, I feel dumb and immature. Is life always going to be like this? Stuff I wrote a month or two months or three months ago will always seem so immature and lame? I sure hope not.

Anyways, I went to a Dave Matthews Band concert (again!) saturday. I think I'm going to make it routine to go to at least one DMB concert each summer. He was incredible, as usual. Mike and I discussed how the new sax player is really good, even though LeRoi shall be missed. LeRoi you NOTICED but he wasn't outstanding; this guy is funky and out there and I liked it a lot. They also played Crash Into Me. I cried, and hugged Sarah, and danced. I was so happy! "Why I Am" and "Grey Street" were really good too. bahhh I love them <3 haha my phone was being incredibly lame so I missed every call from Mike (I don't know how many I missed cause none never showed up) but I loved the drunk voicemails. It's just a shame we never found him! Oh well, we'll definitely see him at Phish! Woo

Well, tata for now. going to go discover some new music! :)

Graduation

2009-06-14T22:40:00.001-04:00

So so so much has changed in the past couple of weeks.
I've finally successfully completed high school..with my lame advanced diploma. I still have anger and I still need closure with the whole cheating thing from last year, especially finding out he got a honors diploma. angry but i'm just going to have to let it go. thats one thing i need to learn; how to just LET GO. i need to learn forgiveness.

ive made new friends with my little sophomores and junior! i plan on kidnapping them frequently this summer and treating them to the best places in manassas that they haven't even heard of :) i dont want them to miss out on so much their senior/junior years.

i'm going to miss some people at my school so much. not too many people, only a handful. i will miss some, and yah ill be sad i probably honestly wont see them again, but i will truely miss a good couple. i haven't cried yet..wel yeah i have about david. because he says he'll see me again but that wont happen..and taskin. i have yet to cry about anyone else yet. if i will. maybe sarah. she's been my best friend, too, for the past 5 years. i have so much to say to all of them and i just cant get so sad because i know i will see ssarah and taskin forever. though it may not be nearly as frequent as now, i WILL see tem and they will be at my coming milestones, and ill be at theres for sure.

beach tomorrow.
i wont be sober for a week
drunk on happiness, high on life.
:]

Shake Me Like a Monkey

2009-06-02T00:37:00.002-04:00

The thing I like about you

The way you do what you do

The thing I like about you

God and the devil alone could not have made you up

Two must have worked as one together

So good just want to eat you up

Let me like the real thing

Lick your sticky fingers boy and sing for your dinner sing

Come on pretty babe make me lose my mind

Everybody get together gonna make love shine

Do you know what it is to feel the light of love inside you?

And all the darkness falls away

If you feel the way I feel then believe we have the answer

I've been searching for tonight

Love me baby love me baby shake me like a monkey

Forever i'm yours

I can't stop thinking about you

Yeah yeah yeah

Bahh

2009-05-24T23:53:00.002-04:00

Okay. 9 more school days.

All I have left to do:

+Senior Speech (Due June)
+Psychology PowerPoint (Due June)
+Oceanography Flip Book (Due June)
+Oceanography Review (Due Friday)
+English Final (June)
+Oceanography Final (June)

I'm going to do it all tomorrow :)

I got a facial. It was so incredible. I was so embarrassed because she massaged my face and scalp..okay, and my scalp is one of my erogenous zones...I got the chills and of course..it looked like I was shoplifting raisins. :/ whatever. I'm getting another one next month! Whichhhhh means I have to call and cancel ANOTHER day.

I'm listening to Nickel Creek..of course this one fucking song makes me think of one of my many "Him"s..but I really can't say who this one is for the sake of SOMEONE finding and telling his significant other and getting in trouble. But he played it for me one day. ahhh. one of the many songs he's serenaded me for.

I like when I don't care every day for a week seeing him and then all of a sudden I get all sexy- wearing pants where you can actually see my wonderful ass, tits perfectly placed, not too visible leaving some to the imagination, and smokey eyed makeup and perfectly done hair- like you just got out of a steamy sex session. and he couldnt leave me alone. wonderful :)
I got two numbers that day too..hmm..
ahhh anyways
I'm gonna go to bed to work on that homework.
:]

Broken

2009-04-23T22:02:00.003-04:00

Broken
Main Entry:bro·ken
Pronunciation:\ˈbrō-kən\
Function:adjective
Etymology:Middle English, from Old English brocen, from past participle of brecan to break
Date:13th century
1: violently separated into parts : 2: damaged or altered by breaking: as a: having undergone or been subjected to fracture broken leg> bof land surfaces : being irregular, interrupted, or full of obstacles c: violated by transgression broken promise> d: e: disrupted by change

So many things have been breaking my heart.
Lately, I've felt so many things around me breaking. Everything that's held me down, everything that's prevented me from going astray. Ive been tasting the sweet, bitter taste of freedom for the first time in a while. This sounds incredibly weird, but I like to picture people with wings. Children always have little, broken wings, where the parents (well, normal parents..or as normal as possible) have the big, beautiful strong wings, and they're supposed to help mend the broken wings of the 'fallen' children, and help them develop. Teenagers are just growing into their either incredibly tangled, torn wings, or their strong, healthy ones. The ropes that held us down before are slowly being cut away, and we can finally stretch ourselves out and absorb every ounce of sunlight. I feel like if I were to have wings, they would be covered in scars, but strong. I feel like my ropes have been cut for a while, and the last bits are falling off. At night, it's what makes me sweat myself to sleep, my skin screaming to let it breathe, but I can't. It's the pain in my neck, the pain in my left hip, the ache in my stomach. So many things are moving inside me, so many changes are finally being made. I feel doomed, though, all at the same time. While people are finally spreading their wings and going to pursue the greatest years of their lives, I'm stuck here forced into my career. I am at a loss for words at this point. Don't judge me.

I don't need to tell you

2009-04-19T22:17:00.004-04:00

I don't need to tell you, but I know that one day, you'll feel exactly the way I do.
I don't need to tell you that just the sight of you warms me up from the top of my head to the toes on my feet.
I don't need to tell you that you don't need to say a word to make my day.
I don't need to tell you that the touch you give me is electrifying, and I live for every single one of your touches.
I don't need to tell you the way I feel, and I don't need to tell you that I've never felt this way about anyone. I don't need to tell you that I've never felt so strongly about anyone, and I've never felt so right about anyone.
I don't need to tell you that although I haven't been in many relationships, the one I was in made up for every six of yours
I don't need to tell you that you're the one person I want to be getting a call from, a text from, a message from, a smile from, a hug from, a kiss from.
I don't need to tell you, but I could, I can, and I will.

Suddenly

2009-03-29T09:40:00.002-04:00

I suddenly realize why I hate falling for guys so much. I've been pulled through this gut wrenching pain all night and now morning and all day today and all day tomorrow. And it's going to continue until I meet someone to take my mind off of it. It hasn't worked out all week (just talking on the phone for fucking hours which...idk..i guess thats good but its all we have going..besides DRIVING EACH OTHER CRAZY BUT NOTHING HAPPENING BECAUSE HE WON'T DO ANYTHING YET ugh its pissssssing me off and I want to give up so bad)

Getting hit on while DRIVING on the parkway kinda cheered me up. Hahaha all because of a bumper sticker. "YO CUTIE, CAN I GET YO NUMBA? WE FROM NEW YORK AND WE LUHHH DA JETS TOO" bahaha didn't give it to him, but got his. NEVER going to call. Got invited to a show down in DC...didn't go.

I've decided alll of spring break is going to consist of fun fun fun. I'm going fucking clubbing, hookah-ing, etc. I'm going to take short day drips to the beach. Yeah. I'm not staying at home. Granted I work a lot..well not really..but I work a couple days, but theres only like 2 days where I couldn't do anything.

I've been re-deciding about Shenanadoah but I don't want to say that because I think it's because of him...I'm GOING to be happy. I have to.

Miserable

2009-03-26T22:45:00.002-04:00

I just HAD to remind myself why I can't fall for a guy.
He's having me rethink Shenandoah again but I know I gotta go there. I only live 45 minutes away so it something SHOULD happen for some incredible reason, I only live that far. All breaks, weekends, etc. I could come visit. Hell, we would do better than James and Jenn who live HOURS away. I myself don't even know what I want out of it yet, but I know he's driving me crazyy out of my mind (and I know when I see him I do the same to him...unintentionally but still). I hope Stephen freaking texts me back cause I reallllly want to work tomorrow. I gotta get out of the house. And I hope Bria wants to leave early Saturday so I can stay longer. I want him so so so bad I'm hoping maybe something will happen Saturday...if I can convince him. Psh I wish he wasn't so busy either cause I LOVE talking to him and so far, only that one day has happened. Gahhhhh! We were SUPPOSED to do somethin Tuesday but that failed on his part. So IDK the way things are going I wouldn't think anything is going to happen, but I can hope and pray that something does beacause I know I wouldn't be feeling this if it was wrong. <33

Mike and I had lunch yesterday. Chipotleee. And then went to Hollywood video to rent a vampire movie (and he GOT one). So my English research paper shouldn't be hard at all. Awesomee. :]

Birthday

2009-03-17T21:42:00.003-04:00

Soooo I'm finally 18.
But it's so bittersweet.
Getting a tattoo either Friday night, early Saturday, or early Sunday.
Can't decide what day.
I want to get two. My parents are paying for one, and I'm paying for another.

:]

Sooo Mike ended up getting me a birthday card and present. Ahahaha for a guy it wasn't half bad. The card was funny and the present was awesome.

I'm so amped for Shenandoah you wouldn't even know. I've met some pretty awesome kids and I think that I'm lucky for what I'm getting. I used to get frustrated because I've done some really really incredible things for people, worked hard my whole life, and gotten through a lot. I would always think selfish thoughts like 'when is life ever going to get easy for me?' because honestly, life has NEVER been easy, even as a child! I grew up when I turned 10 and I'm not going to talk about the details. But I've done a lot of growing up and I've worked hard and long and I think this is what I've been working so hard for. My school, my new friends, my degree. Everything is finally setting into place and I don't think it could get better.

And for once, just once, I don't want this to turn sour.

47th

2009-03-01T22:12:00.002-05:00

Ugh. I suck. Its official.
47th violist in the state.
Whatever, Ray didn't even try out.
Mrs. Martin loves me. :) I love her too.
I have so much to say but I cant say it

DMB x 2

2009-02-14T22:21:00.001-05:00

I don't think I will ever love anyone elses words more than this.

“Take what you can from your dreams, make them as real as anything.”

“I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okay”

“You're the love of my life and the breath in my prayers. Take my hand and lead me there.. what I need is you here. I can't forget the taste of your mouth from your lips all the heavens pour out. I can't forget when we are one. With you alone I am free.”

“Celebrate we will for life is short but sweet for certain”

“I could never love again,
So much as i love you”

“Don't lose the dreams inside your head, they'll only be there til you're dead, dream”

"Into your heart I'll beat again"

“See you and me have a better time than most can dream of, better than the best, so we can pull on through, whatever tears at us, whatever holds us down, and if nothing can be done, we'll make the best of what's around.”

“What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me.”

You're as Strong as Anyone

2009-02-10T16:37:00.003-05:00

I love Mrs.Faith.
She's taught me so much, and has helped me so much..and not with just school.

:)
I wish I could replay our conversation over and over.
I'll always appreciate her so much, and I'm so glad I decided to take this class.
I'm going to be okay...no. I'm going to be better than okay. I'm going to be incredible.

Her Speech to Me:
"You're going to be a nurse, and be the cutest nurse ever. I can see it right now, you being a gorgeous nurse and meeting the guy of your dreams and falling crazy in love and living happily ever after. I can see it, that's your life. You probably think 'I'll never be 26' but you will be one day. But you're going to be awesome! You are going to have a fantastic life. You take everything, take it in, and instead of looking like your upset you do the opposite and become the happiest, bubbliest person. It may come back to get you later, but you're strong. From your hair, to your eyes, to your smile to your personality, you're beautiful inside and out. I'm a people person, I can read people well. And I'm confident with every word I've said."

Granted, we talked about a lot more. But still. How could you not absolutely love the woman after that?
I cried. Honestly. It's one of the nicest things someone has ever said to me.

:)

grrrrrrrrr
how am I supposed to not care about him? when he texts me every morning and asks if I'm coming down, begging, AND when he texts just randomly!, when he hits me playfully on the behind and nudges me in the arm every second and stares at me all of orchestra and teases (but not for real) all the time, going with me, doing anything I ask, being supportive like no other, etc. how? answer me that.

I'm gonna be okay! Hooray!

2009-02-08T21:20:00.000-05:00

Finally!

I have decided that I'm going to be okay. I've been reading this book ("There's a (Slight) Chance I'm Going to Hell") and after she finally made a friend after moving and not knowing anyone for a couple months, I decided that if she can be okay, I can too. I'll make friends wherever I go. I made friends in oceanography, right? I am going to have a couple months with kids my age at NOVA until I finally do the nursing program..and I'm outgoing. If I don't make friends in the beginning NOVA classes? I'll make friends at the nursing program. If not there? I'll make them at work. Everyone always talks about how 'College is where you find your friends for the rest of your life'. No, it's not. When you graduate, someone is going to move, if not all of you. And who say's you'll keep in touch? It's like high school; sure, youll call or email once and a while, but now you have a CAREER. How much harder is THAT? At least at NOVA, I know these people live around here. So I'll have people temporarily. :) I'm gonna be okay! Plus, I talked with my good friend at work (who I'm starting to love, but I can't tell if thats because I love everyone who pay the least bit attention to me) and he was suprised I'd ever been afraid of being lonely because I'm such a good person. And he just..instilled confidence in me again. I'm gonna be okay. :)

Cancun- so far, so good with the parentals! Now I just gotta get Jon to hurry up and freaking talk to his mom...

Valentines Day- Dinner friday with the loves! <3 I'm excited.

My sister and I taught Zoey how to play with a frisbee! She was terrified of them, but now she's all over it! We took her outside (Since it was like a nice spring/early summer day!) and played in the mud and then gave her a bath! haha it was fun.

I'm gonna work out every day this week. Gotta start that habit up again.
I also decided to email everyone I haven't talked to in forever. Or make them cards or something.
Speaking of that, I gotta send my 'penpal' her letter. It's been ready to go for so long. Just gotta get her address from my grandfather. (My penpal is my great great grandmother in MN)

I've narrowed down my list of places to live, thankfully. I'm only down to around 6 or 7 states.

I've thought about renting a room with someone. There are so many ad's for roomates. Maybe I'll start out renting my own apartment and looking for a roomate. I'll be around 21 when I graduate totally and have a career in nursing..hmmm... or maybe HE'LL offer...hmm...

Okay well I'm going to watch Desperate Housewives..or the rest of it.
Big day tomorrow. Ha.

1,2,3,4

2009-02-05T22:29:00.000-05:00

Vance. Up there. This picture is so old, I can't even tell you what year. Freshman? 8th grade?
Me and Alyssa make cookies. Wow. Thankfully, it broke after we cooked it.Which, I like to think of that as a metaphor of our relationship. He's done, etc. etc.

I doubt anyone will want to live with me. Want to know why?

1. I leave the toothpaste open sometimes. Eh.
2. I forget to flush the toilet sometimes (never if it's nasty though). I DO refill toilet paper if it runs out when I'm in there.
3. I leave my laundry in a basket at the bottom of my bed until it gets super full. Then I do all my laundry at once. But it usually takes a while, and its unattractive apparently.
4. I do NOT make my bed. Ever. Why waste time? I'm just going to mess it up the same exact way in 10 hours.
5. I sometimes leave a dish in my room for a day or two (never to the point of nasty nasty..though I have done it once).
6. If I worry about something, I talk WAY too much. Actually, I talk to much anyways. And about stupid stuff a lot of the time. I canNOT keep a conversation going in the same direction.

finish later
I'll keep editing from time to time. :)

what?!

2009-01-28T15:26:00.000-05:00

To Richard's note "100% Waterproof"

Richard, I hate this note. You can't label someone else's opinions on friendship. I don't even want to get started with you because no one can ever win against you, but I'll tell you what I think. To me a 'true friend' is someone who you trust completely and wholly, and everyone else is a 'friend'. A lot of people who you think you trust go behind you, betray you, whatever. I would call someone a true friend when they did something that proved to me that they wouldn't do that to me. A true friend could also be described as someone who you don't see for months on end, but as soon as you see them again it's like nothing has changed at all. Everyone is wary of meeting new people, and as soon as they start clicking with someone then they become friends, and then they start getting even closer. If you can spill your guts, dreams, lies, etc. and they don't treat you differently, and genuinely care about you, then yeah. That person is a "true" friend. It's nice having a friend or friends that you can tell EVERYTHING to. Your definition of friend is someone I would describe as an acquaintance, which cancels the whole fucking note. You seem like a terrible person, I'm glad I never got close to you because I guess I would have realized that my own personality didn't matter, you just liked me because we liked the same things.

Ugh I fucking hate him. I hate that I curse because I feel like I'm above that.

I don't know how long I'm going to survive at NOVA, I can NOT live at home for much longer.

Quote...

2009-01-20T21:08:00.001-05:00

....that I am trying to live by:

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it."

Describes my life:

"Life doesnt give you the people you want, it gives you the people you need, to help you,to hurt you, to love you and make you the person you were meant to be"

It makes me cry. For real. Thinking about the people who have hurt me, thinking about who I've hurt. I love everyone and that kills me.

Angry

2009-01-19T11:31:00.000-05:00

I'm getting angry each day that passes. I haven't had my phone in so long. I haven't talked to anyone in so long besides family. As soon as this family leaves, I'll just have my grandparents, who as soon as they retire (which is SOON) will move to California. I just want to live with my grandparents, or with my other family. My family just. I don't even know. I need to get away from here so badly. I want to throw up because I NEED change so bad. I've been thinking way too much about the past and it's getting me stuck where I am. I'm afraid of what I'm willing to do to change. I'm so anxious to do something somewhere that if I do it I'll end up hurting myself. I'm falling in love with anyone who gives me the time of day...especially if they're giving me the time of day to love me.
My aunt has 2-4 months to live...the chemo on her lungs and breast cancer isn't working and the next level of chemo could kill her because its so toxic so she said she didn't want to risk it. I haven't seen her in so long and it hurts.
My uncle in Chicago..I have no idea what's going on with him but I know he's not doing okay. My dad said the next time we might see him would be at his funeral. I don't know how well I'm going to be able to handle funeral. I'm afraid I WON'T cry.
I'm angry with myself. That whole like 5-7 month period of not seeing my grandparents when my mom and dad fought is killing me now. Seeing how much my grandma is hurting is hurting me. Seeing her sisters start to die is killing me, because they're not that much older. She might have to have a knee replacement surgery soon, and its hitting me that she's not going to be there for me FOREVER. She's been in my life since I was born. I saw her literally almost every day. I just..I can't even talk about her not being in my life. I would rather die before her. She deserves to live forever, she is the nicest person I know and will ever know. She goes out of her way for everyone, no matter what.

I can't talk about this.

Glorious Plans

2009-01-11T22:09:00.001-05:00

My glorious plans.
Traveling.
I've decided to screw University, and I'm going to save money and not be in debt.
I'm going to travel.
I have this all planned out, don't worry. It's almost perfect.

Enroll in the NOVA Nursing Program and get my AA in nursing. (2 years)
Work in critical care at INova while going to George Mason to get my bachelors in Nursing. (2 years)
Then, go to Old Dominion University to their nurse anesthesia education program (2 years)
Total: 6 years. How much money I will be making as a nurse anesthetist: $141,886 a year.

All the while working wherever I want, traveling whenever I want/can...
It's perfect.

I laugh at the most inappropriate times.
I started laughing during Marley and Me when he first started dying.
(I could explain WHY because it had nothing to do with the movie, but if you were sitting behind me in the theater and the dog's dying and I'm cracking up for reasons you don't know, you would hate me.)

Oh how I love life sometimes. :)

Stirring Me Up

2009-01-04T13:37:00.000-05:00

One word describes how I feel right now. "NO".
I just want to say no to everything.
"Come say hi to your grandparents" No.
"Want to go get something to eat?" No.
"Will you clean your bathroom again?" No.
"Want to go to the mall?" No.
"Will you work for me today?" No.
No no no no no.

Hahaha, Yes Man meet No Woman. :)

I need to get my nose ring changed but I think I'll do that tomorrow. All I've done today is lay in bed and think about what to paint. And now I'm going to paint. I paint at my best when I'm angry.

Have I found you

2009-01-02T00:46:00.001-05:00

Ahhhhh I love State Radio and Phish! and lists...

25 Things to Do Before I Die:

1. Celebrate New Years somewhere OTHER than America. I love how confused I get about how at one place, it's next year...but at that same second, its still last year. I feel like each year is like one of those nesting dolls, a new, bigger doll taking in the previous one. If it's ugly, theres always a new doll to cover up the ugly one. And you may get a GORGEOUS doll, but then the next one could be ugly...ahhh those things are fun. Maybe I said that backwards....anyways, I want there to be different ethnicities of dolls covering up the ugly American doll.

2. Find a religion and church that I love, and attend it regularly. I think I need to start going to church again, praying every night again, and eventually one day down the line become baptized.

This is definitely to be continued...

Word of the Day

2008-12-31T12:21:00.000-05:00

Main Entry: implode

Pronunciation:\im-ˈplōd\
Function:verb
Inflected Form(s):im·plod·ed; im·plod·ing
Etymology:²in- + -plode (as in explode)
Date:1881 intransitive verb

1 a: to burst inward implode> b: to undergo violent compression implode>
2: to collapse inward as if from external pressure ; also : to become greatly reduced as if from collapsing
3: to break down or fall apart from within : self-destruct
Used in a sentence: My stomach is filled with so much hate, with so much anger, with so much happiness, with so much EMOTION...I feel I'm going to implode.

Where I fail to find words to describe my emotions, Merriam-Webster excels.

I want to be back here, when things felt exactly the way they should... I could take a nice, deep breath and have everything I've ever worried about roll right off my back and into the salty, blue abyss. :)

Questions

2008-12-29T12:29:00.000-05:00

I had such a fucked up time in Chicago. As usual, my Christmas was fucked up somehow. I got the 24 hour stomach flu..I didn't even get to stay upstairs for all of the presents to be open. And because of what I do when I throw up, I couldn't even be sitting comfortably when it was happening on the floor next to the toilet. I was throwing up stomach acid from 8 am to around 5 pm when the waves of nausea stopped crashing. It sucked, I hate throwing up. I don't know anyone who enjoys it, even bulimics (They don't LIKE throwing up!). I would scream in between different barfs? because it hurt THAT BAD. I didn't get to breathe, to stop for even a second. I made my mom watch because I hate being alone when it happens. So while everyone got to visit at my uncles who, might I add, that night half of his heart shut down, I was sitting on home on the couch starving, sweating, and trying not to shit my pants. It was like being 2 again.

I thought, while I was laying on the couch.
I hate having so much time to think...Mostly about college.
Should I go to NOVA, in 2 years become a nurse and be making good money, REALLY good money, by the time I'm 21?
or go to Shenandoah University and become a 1st grade teacher and make half of what a nurse makes? I honestly would be happy doing both, maybe a little bit happier doing the second...but I wouldn't mind being a nurse at all.
How do I pay for a house after college? Even an apartment? How do I pay for ANYTHING?
I don't know what I'm going to do with myself, and I'm starting to panic.

The more people said "I still can't believe you're a senior" the more I felt I was lying when I said "I can!".
I really can't.

Dream: I was at the beach, but I was scared of standing in the water with my aunt and sister and dad because I didn't want to get pinched by the crabs. We were trying to find the prettiest shells and at first we couldn't find the pretty ones, they were all ugly. Finally I saw two gorgeous ones, a pink striped one and a blue striped one but I was too scared to get it and someone else ended up getting it. I saw other gorgeous one when the waves were gone but I kept falling and I couldn't get to them.

How I interpret that: I need to throw myself into things, even if I think I'll get hurt, because something beautiful might come out of it. I need to let go.

If only

2008-12-19T22:34:00.000-05:00

If I had the opportunity to strangle her, I would jump up at first chance.

Yet at the same time, if she opened her arms out to me, I would give her one of the most gentle hugs she would have ever received.

to be continued..

Mad World

2008-12-17T22:18:00.000-05:00

R.I.P. Grandma. 12/16/08
You will be missed. I love you, "White Lady"
I'll never forget your deer figurines, the smell of your kitchen, the comfort of your big, stuffed couches, your huge fish tank, your contagious laugh and your big, bright smile.
I'll see you soon.
<3

All I can say is the older I get, the less and less Christmas feels like Christmas.
Not only one grandmother, two grandmothers have passed away.
I won't be able to get the memory of me pretending to be 'just like grandma'. She died of liver failure because of her alcoholism, so naturally she always had a drink. I wanted to be just like her so she would give me sprite without ice to look like her vodka, and a candy cigarette to look like her real one. Her chili was the best, super spicy. I would always need like eight glasses of sprite to cool my mouth down, and she would laugh. I remember her living room, sitting on the floor playing with tissue. I also remember saying goodbye, which hurts the most. I can still picture the hospital room. I could draw it for you. I remember holding her hand, looking at my parents wondering why everyone was crying (I don't know HOW I remember what I was thinking). I remember holding her hand, which I remember as being really yellow. My dad told me to give my grandma a big hug and a kiss and say goodbye, so I did. I regret that I didn't cry, even though it would have been impossible for me to understand. Innocence hurts years later. We left and I was cheerful. I remember walking a big and then the memory stops. Fast forward a couple days and I remember the funeral. I remember some of the songs playing (Why by Annie Lennox, Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton) and I remember what she was wearing. I held her hand and gave her a kiss goodbye. I can't remember, but I don't think I cried. Again, I didn't understand. I don't know why this memory stuck because obviously I didn't understand what was happening, so why would I tell myself to remember it?

Which brings me to my next topic.
Graduation.
It's that time..well..almost.
I'm so ready, but at the same time I hope that my grandmother is watching me, making sure I'm okay. Sometimes I believe that she's with me. Sometimes I'm sure of it. She helps me remember where I put my hair clip (the ONE I own, it was a miracle finding it).

I know that my problems are nothing compared to a lot of people, but I'm hoping that this whole ovary problem isn't a real big problem. My doctor said one thing is for sure, and it's that if I have children, I am at a 'very high risk' for cancer. How nice is that, knowing that the one thing you looked forward to in life could very well kill you? It gives me nothing to look forward to, nothing to be proud of. Who wants to be with someone who can't 'have' children without the thought of losing that person? I don't even know whats wrong with me yet...but I'm hoping they find something that they can fix. I don't know how much longer I can hibernate.
I've wanted to die so many, many times before.
I don't know how much longer I can take anymore.
I honestly think I'm too weak to go through with it
It makes me wonder who'd give a shit.
People at work, school, family? Would they cry?
Is it even worth it, cause I'd like to try.
Again. and again.
The first cut may be the deepest,
but the proceeding cuts count for just as much.

Here's a secret; I wanted to die right after graduation. You sometimes have to be careful for what you wish for because it might happen (I would know..almost two years of praying literally every day for him and I got him; verbally and physically abusive, lying, cheating, and downright terrible).

i don't understand how people can
change this much. one day they're all you have,
and the next their a stranger to you.

DMB

2008-12-11T22:46:00.000-05:00

I've been contemplating all day just how much I loved the Dave Matthews Band concert I attended in June, summer of 2008. As we sat in English (even my teacher acknowledges how much I itch to listen to them any possible chance) I thought of the concert. Though they didn't play Crash, I have absolutely no room to complain about how much of a beautiful concert it was. I'm not old enough to completely appreciate their music, but I'm old enough to love it. I may not know every single detail of the band, or every single song, etc. but what I do know, I absolutely love with every fiber of my being. At the concert, I feel like I was having an out of body experience. I was just floating above my body, dancing and screaming and singing at the top of my lungs only 50 feet from them. I knew that they sounded better live than on tracks, but I actually experienced how much better it was and that makes a huge difference. At the concert, I could feel the chords, beats, words flowing through me and cleansing my soul. That concert was exactly what I needed, for I was floating on cloud 9 for a good while. Not only was my first concert one of the greatest, I am so lucky to have seen LeRoi Moore play for the last time, for he was in an accident in Charlottesville that weekend and died from complications relating to the accident. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that day of the concert.
Music is just my cure for everything.

RIP LeRoi Moore
1961-August 19, 2008

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.

Tears of Joy?

2008-12-10T22:06:00.000-05:00

Everyday of my life is spent in fear.
I'm so afraid that one day I will come home and my dog won't be there. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't ever suspect that someone would break into my home to take my dog...but I couldn't imagine going on without her. The best place for crying is right on the floor in my kitchen. My beautiful dog trots up in front of me and sits down promptly. She looks at me as if she understands, or that she feels sorry for me with those big brown eyes. She always leans in to give me a kiss. She'll then try to sit on my lap, where she will rest her head on my shoulder...hugging me, as far as hugs with dogs go. I love crying into her neck, feeling her soft hot puppy breath on my neck. It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it. Sometimes I wonder if she's the only person who gets me...and she's not even a person. That wriggling furry body of a person is the only person I can truly talk to. She's the perfect best friend; She'll never tell. It's no wonder dog's age faster than people...too many painful secrets can really wear you down.

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.